December 2004
·
Closer (12/3 release) - a romantic comedy
(warning! chick flick! chick flick!) about infatuation, true love
and betrayal. Stars Julia Roberts, Jude
Law, Natalie Portman, and Clive Owen.
Given the subject matter, this flick is likely to elicit anger from
women who'll automatically believe their men will stray. You've been warned!
·
I Am David (12/3 release) - a drama following a young
boy who escapes from a Nazi prison camp and then journeys across Europe looking
for his remaining family. Or something
like that, my information is a bit sketchy...
Stars former Jesus Christ, Jim Caviezel.
·
Blade:
Trinity (12/8 release) -
word is that this is the final film in a Blade trilogy for this particular
franchise. Of course, that's been said
before and depending on returns, Hollywood can change its mind... Anyways, in this installment, Blade is
framed by the vampire nation for a series of murders and must team with human
vampire hunters to clear his name.
Eventually, the blood trail will lead to Dracula. Will Blade survive? Will he stop the evil plot in time? Tune in to this Blade-channel on this
Blade-station... If you've enjoyed the
Blade flicks, you'll enjoy this one. I
think...
·
The Life
Aquatic (12/10 release) -
Bill Murray stars as an eccentric oceanographer who is trying to hunt down a
near-mythical shark that ate his partner a few years ago. Meanwhile, he's followed by a biographer and
a man that could be his long-lost son (Owen Wilson). Murray has been getting props for his run of quirky comedies and
this seems part of that series. The
cast includes Cate Blanchett, Anjelica Huston, Willem Dafoe and other stars.
·
Ocean's
Twelve (12/10 release) -
following on the heels of the highly successful remake, Ocean's Eleven,
this flick reunites the entire cast from that flick for another heist
caper. Danny Ocean and his crew take
time out from running from evil casino owner Terry Benedict to rob a bunch of
locales in Europe. Stars George
Clooney, Brad Pitt, Julia Roberts, Andy Garcia, Catherine Zeta-Jones, et al.
·
Beyond the
Sea (12/10 release) - stars
Kevin Spacey as a 50s, 60s singing idol that produced the songs "Mack the
Knife" and "Beyond the Sea".
Given the success of Ray, this might be part of a wave of
biographical films about singer-songwriters.
·
The Aviator (12/17 release) - biographical film about
the life of genius and eccentric aviation pioneer and film producer, Howard
Hughes. Stars Leonardo Di Caprio. As much as I hate him after Titanic,
before that movie, the guy was doing indie dramas and was well regarded as a
good actor. Anyways, Hughes' life ought
to make for some interesting filmmaking, especially his eccentricities.
·
Lemony
Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events (12/17 release) - based on the popular children's book series, a family
of orphans experience a series of incredible adventures, which are tied
together solely by "a series of unfortunate events." Stars Jim Carrey.
·
Spanglish (12/17 release) - a comedy about colliding cultures,
as a Mexican-American woman goes to work for an upscale suburban family. Stars Adam Sandler, though it's not a
Sandler comedy, I hope.
·
The Flight
of the Phoenix (12/22
release) - remake of the 1961 movie, which starred Jimmy Stewart. This one stars Dennis Quaid, but follows the
same basic plot: a group of oil workers crash land in the middle of the desert
and their only hope for survival is to build a new plane from the wreckage of
the old one. If done right, this ought
to be a good film to see.
·
Meet the
Fockers (12/22 release) -
sequel to the smash comedy Meet the Parents. Before Greg and Pam can be wed, they and their soon-to-be in-laws
must go see Greg's parents. Most of the
comedy set-up here seems to stem from the difference in parents. Where Pam's parents (with Robert De Niro as
the Dad) are straight-laced suburbians, Greg's parents are New Age, hippies
(with Dustin Hoffman as Dad and Barbara Streissand as Mom). Sure to be another hilarious comedy about
"getting to know you."
·
Andrew Lloyd
Webber's The Phantom of the Opera (12/22 release) - yet another remake of the Broadway musical. Usually when they include the author's name
in the movie title, they're trying to imply that they're very faithful to the
source material. Then again, they
usually are lying through their filthy teeth...
·
Hotel
Rwanda (12/22 release) -
based on the real-life story of hotel manager Paul Rusesabagina, who sheltered
1200 refugees inside the Hotel Rwanda and saved them from certain death during
the Rwandan civil war of ten years ago.
There'll be some stuff in there about how the rest of the world turned
it's back on the slaughter, so some folks may object. Still, it could be a moving and inspiring tale of personal
courage.
·
Fat Albert (12/25 release) - the characters from
Cosby's famed cartoon fall into the real world and hilarity ensues.
·
The
Merchant of Venice (12/29
release) - movie adaptation of what is widely considered to be Shakespeare's
most controversial play. Stars Al
Pacino, Jeremy Irons, and other top talent.
The preview trailer looked really good.
January 2005
·
White Noise (1/7 release) - this is not a movie about
noisy white people... It's a
supernatural thriller starring Michael Keaton as a man who tragically (it's
always tragically with these movies, isn't it?) looses his wife (as in dead,
not that he lost her in a mall and is still waiting for her to get home -
sheesh!), only to be contacted by a man who claims that he can hear messages
from the departed in the white noise of household recording devices. Eventually, this opens the door to another
world (not the world of cross dressing, for those sickos out there). Anyways, the previews imply that by opening
said door, bad and scary things will happen.
Also, the movie claims that this phenomenon (called EVP) is real and
points you to a website for more info.
·
Coach
Carter (1/14 release) -
based on the true life story of a basketball coach who made national news when,
in 1999, he benched his entire squad for poor academic performance. Stars Samuel L. Jackson. Even though it's Samuel L. Jackson, don't
expect any major ass-kicking.
·
Elektra (1/14 release) - sequel of-sorts to Daredevil. This one follows resurrected assassin
Elektra as she battles the group that trained her, The Order of the Hand, to
protect a man and his family. Stars the
luscious Jennifer Gardner. Hmmmm...
·
Racing
Stripes (1/14 release) -
half-Babe, half live action film, this is a comedy about a zebra raised
on a farm that dreams of being a race horse.
Expect lots of wise-cracking talking animals. Clearly aimed at kids, those who have children old enough to want
to go see this have been warned. I'm
not there yet, thank goodness.
·
Assault on
Precinct 13 (1/21 release)
- remake of the John Carpenter 70s classic.
Stars Ethan Hawke and Lawrence Fishburne. A soon-to-be-closed police precinct is reluctantly playing host
to an assorted bunch of criminals and a big-time bad guy (Fishbourne) during a
snowstorm (what a freaking coincidence!) after said bad guys' prison transport
breaks down at their doors, when they are held under siege by all manner of bad
cops hell-bent on killing the Laurence Fishbourne bad guy. Forced to team up for their own survival,
the cops and criminals must hold off the siege, or die.
·
Hostage (1/21 release) - stars Bruce Willis in the
tale of a former LAPD hostage negotiator turned small-town sheriff, who has to
negotiate a hostage situation, while being played by the mob.
·
Hide &
Seek (1/28 release) - stars
Robert De Niro in a story about a Dad who looses (again, she's dead and is not
likely to turn up in lost & found) his wife and finds that his daughter is
not coping as well as one would think.
It's billed as a thriller, so expect something scary. Probably De Niro singing.
February 2005
·
Boogeyman (2/4 release) - horror flick about a man
haunted by terrifying childhood memories (probably centered on being forced to
eat lima beans and brussels sprouts), who returns home to confront an entity
that may or may not be real.
·
Hitch (2/11 release) - romantic comedy
(warning! Chick flick!) starring Wil
Smith as a man who arranges and plans a client's first three dates to ensure a
match. He meets a woman who teaches him
the true meaning of love.
Zzzzzzzzzzzzz...
·
Pooh's
Heffalump Movie (2/11
release) - now that I have a daughter, these films will start sneaking into my
list. Basic Disney Pooh flick about the
Hundred Acres Wood's first encounter with a real Heffalump.
·
Because of
Winn-Dixie (2/18 release) -
based on the best seller about a FL girl that forms a tight bond with a stray
dog named Winn-Dixie (that's the grocery store where the dog was found) and
helps reunite her family. Those with
diabetes should stay away from this film, due to the syrupy, sugary sweetness
quotient.
·
Constantine (2/18 release) - comic book-to-film
adaptation of the Hellblazer comics.
John Constantine has been to Hell and back and now he uses black magic
and his knowledge of the occult to battle demons. Stars Keanu (whoa!) Reeves.
I just saw the trailer for this flick and it looks like a smart mix of The
Sixth Sense's idea of hidden spirits not everyone can see, some Exorcist
stuff and an overall creepy, dark tone and feel. It might be good, despite Reeves. Also note that the hero is extremely flawed as he apparently
attempted suicide since he couldn't cope with the visions. This film also stars the yummy Rachel Weitz,
of The Mummy fame.
·
The
Interpreter (2/18 release)
- thriller starring Nicole Kidman as a UN interpreter who overhears an
assassination plot (how do these people overhear these things? Are villains all as stupid as Bond
villains?) and must survive long enough to thwart the plot (despite her total
lack of military or police training) with the help of the federal agent (Sean
Penn) assigned to protect her. I saw
the previews for this film and there's an apparent conspiracy going on, with
the catch being that the character with the darkest past (and most motive) is
Kidman's interpreter.
·
Son of the
Mask (2/18 release) - file
this one under the category of "Why On Earth Did They Ever Want to Make
This?" The mask of Loki finds its
way to an infant's hands, just as the God of Mischief himself, Loki, comes
looking for it. Based on the previews,
expect really bad CG effects and nauseatingly cute baby antics.
·
Cursed (2/25 release) - a re-imagining of the
werewolf genre from the guys who created the Scream series, Wes Craven
and Kevin Williamson.
·
Imaginary
Heroes (2/25 release) - a
poignant coming-of-age story (aren't they all poignant?) that reveals that the
facade of an ordinary American family is not the underlying truth. Whoa!
The shock! Whatever will they
think of next?
March 2005
·
Be Cool (3/4 release) - sequel to Get Shorty. Chili Palmer (John Travolta) is back and now
sets his sights on the music industry.
Considering that the "Travolta Curse" has tainted and ruined
nearly every film the actor has participated in, one has to wonder about the
prospects of this comedy.
·
The
Pacifier (3/4 release) - originally,
I'd thought this might be a movie about a baby's toy. Sadly, that was not to be and instead this movie seems to be part
of the downward spiral of Vin Diesel's career.
Essentially, Diesel plays a Navy SEAL assigned to protect a suburban
family full of kids in ages ranging from baby to high schooler. Naturally, when a tough military man
encounters such a daunting challenge, hilarity ensues. Vin Diesel is now in danger of becoming the
Stallone of action films (that is, a joke).
·
A Sound of
Thunder (3/11 release) - a
long-delayed film based on a short story by Ray Bradbury, it tells of a future
time in which time travel is not only possible, but a lucrative tourism
industry. Rich patrons are escorted on safaris
to the prehistoric past to hunt dinosaurs under very strict rules. On one expedition, something goes horribly
wrong and the rules are broken, leading to a present that is significantly
altered. As "time waves" of
change ripple from the past (like ripples in a pond when you throw in a rock,
according to the preview), the mystery of the failed expedition must be solved,
before mankind is erased from existence.
Possibly will use the plot device that the more you change to fix
things, the worse damage you create, due to cause-and-effect. The Simpsons played this idea for
laughs once in the "Treehouse of Horror" episode with the
time-traveling toaster. Unless
something's changed, though, I'm fairly sure this film won't feature donut rain
showers or time-traveling toasters.
·
Robots (3/11 release) - 20th Century Fox CG
animated film about robots (ya think?!).
Stars the voices of Ewan McGregor, Halle Berry, Mel Brooks, Greg
Kinnear, etc. Saw the previews for this
and it seems fairly funny. McGregor's
robot is a young lad leaving the simple life for Robot City in an effort to
reach fame and fortune and make his parents proud. Along the way he meets some robot misfits, discovers a dastardly
plot and must unite with his friends to save the day. Also stars the voice of Robin Williams (think the Genie from Aladdin).
·
The Cave (3/11 release) - another entry into the Alien/Leviathan
style "trapped in the dark with the monster" films. A group of expert cave explorers/divers (I
suppose if they weren't experts, the movie would be shorter) go exploring a cave,
then become trapped with no apparent way out (damn!) and then discover there's
something there in the cave with them (oh no!).
·
The Jacket (3/11 release) - a Gulf War veteran (I
guess Vietnam's too far back now for our movie veterans) develops amnesia, gets
accused of a murder, lands in an asylum, gets put on experimental drugs, tied
up in a straightjacket and locked up in the asylum morgue's body drawers. Somehow, this allows him to travel to the
future (umm... OK...) where he sees his own death and then must prevent
it. I'm thinking Altered States
but weirder and not as clever.
·
Miss
Congeniality 2 (3/18
release) - our second 2005 entry into the "Why On Earth Did They Ever Want
to Make This?" category. Sandra
Bullock returns as the FBI agent turned beauty pageant contestant. Where's my barf bucket? Don't get me wrong, Sandra Bullock's cute
and all, it's just the idea of this movie that makes me sick.
·
The Ring 2 (3/18 release) - sequel to the Dreamworks
remake of the Japanese horror flick. The
female protagonist (don't know who, 'cause I didn't see the first one) goes
into hiding when her son develops frightening powers (why are powers in these
flicks always frightening?) and the authorities are seeking them out as the
Ring curse spreads.
·
Sahara (3/25 release) - based on a Clive Cussler
novel. I'd write a basic plot synopsis,
but it was so ridiculous that I couldn't get through it without laughing
hysterically. Suffice it to say, a
treasure hunter and a beautiful female scientist (about as believable as Denise
Richards as a nuclear scientist in The World is Not Enough) have to stop
an ecological disaster that threatens the world, but happen to uncover some US
Civil War secrets in the Sahara (don't ask) that, naturally, have something to
do with the ecological disaster. Trust
me, the more complete version was even stupider.
April 2005
·
Beauty Shop (4/1 release) - sequel (?) to Barbershop
in which Queen Latifah's character first goes to work at a beauty shop, then
eventually opens a competing salon next door.
Why, dear Lord, why?
·
Sin City (4/1 release) - based on the Frank Miller
(he's fast becoming Hollywood's favorite comic book, err, graphic novel writer)
graphic novel (read: adult comic book), it's a series of intertwining vignettes
about dark characters that inhabit the fictional city of the title.
·
Cheer Up (4/8 release) - a horror film (or is that
horrible film?) starring Tommy Lee Jones as a Texas Ranger who must protect the
only witnesses to a murder, the UT Austin cheerleaders (don't ask how
cheerleaders are witnesses to a murder) by going undercover as a cheerleading
coach. This movie is proof that some
actors will do anything for money.
·
The
Amityville Horror (4/15
release) - based on the purported true story of the scariest haunted house
story in the US, the famed house in Amityville, NY. A family is haunted by spirits from an Indian burial ground the
house is built on and the ghosts of a couple murdered in the same house the
previous year.
·
Serenity (4/22 release) - film version of Joss
Whedon's (Buffy the Vampire Slayer's creator) cult favorite TV show, Firefly. All the show's characters are back for a
bigger sci-fi adventure. Buzz is that
this flick, being true to the show, has a gritty, "real" feel to it.
·
Walk the
Line (4/22 release) -
Joaquin Phoenix stars as Johnny Cash in this biographical film about the
country singer, with Reese Whiterspoon as his wife (guess they wanted someone
that would sound genuinely country).
Told you Hollywood was going bio-crazy with musicians!
·
House of
Wax (4/29 release) - a
young-college-students-in-danger horror flick.
The aforementioned bunch must escape a town where the main attraction is
a wax-covered-corpse house of wax, before they become the next exhibits. Eeek!
Run!
·
xXx: State
of the Union (4/29 release)
- sequel (of sorts) to the grunge-Bond film xXx, with Ice Cube replacing
Vin Diesel. Usually when the main star
fails to return, it's with good reason.
Think, Speed 2: Cruise Control that was so bad, not even Keanu
Reeves would star in it. Anyways, in
this one, the bad guys are rogue military officers working behind the scenes
with the Secretary of Defense (played by Willem Dafoe) to stage a military coup
of the US. Along the way, they take on
the xXx division of the CIA, forcing them to turn to Ice Cube's special
ops-trained convict. *sniff,
sniff* I smell bad acting and pointless
explosions...
Spring 2005
·
Skeleton
Key - horror film in which
an elderly couple's live-in nurse discovers hidden horrors (used Depends and
false teeth) when she uses a skeleton key to unlock secret rooms in the decrepit
couple's decrepit old house. Yawn...
·
Valiant - the animated story of a misfit pigeon
that desperately wants to be a part of the Royal Pigeon Service, carrier
pigeons that England used to ferry messages to the French Resistance during the
days leading up to D-Day in WWII.
May 2005
·
The
Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (5/6 release) - Hollywood film version of the immensely popular (and
immensely huge) novel series by Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the
Galaxy. Will follow the zany
adventures of Earthling Arthur Dent and his friend, alien Ford Prefect right
after the Earth is demolished to make way for a new hyperspace bypass.
·
Kingdom of
Heaven (5/6 release) -
Orlando Bloom stars as a blacksmith who teams with a pirate... No, wait, wrong movie. This blacksmith becomes a knight and defends
Jerusalem against the Crusaders.
·
Star Wars
Episode III: Revenge of the Sith (5/19 release) - final installment in the Star Wars prequel
trilogy. This last chapter focuses on
the events that lead to Anakin Skywalker's destined fall to the dark side of
the Force and his emergence as Darth Vader during the end of the Clone Wars and
the rise of the Empire. Need I say
more?
·
The Longest
Yard (5/27 release) - a
remake of the 1974 Burt Reynolds film about a former football quarterback, now
in prison, forced to put together a football team to play against the prison
guards. BTW, this is an Adam Sandler
movie, so consider yourselves warned.
·
Madagascar (5/27 release) - Dreamworks CG animated
movie about four best friends from the New York zoo: a lion, a zebra, a giraffe
and a pregnant hippo, who land on the island of Madagascar and must learn how
to survive in the wild, while dealing with their predetermined roles in the
natural cycle of life (i.e. the lion's supposed to eat his friends).
June 2005
·
Cinderella
Man (6/3 release) - film
based on the real-life story of Depression Era boxer Jim Braddock, who returns
to the ring once again. Stars Russell
Crowe.
·
Herbie:
Fully Loaded (6/3 release)
- entry number three in the "Why On Earth Did They Ever Want to Make This?"
category.
·
The
Adventures of Shark Boy and Lava Girl, in 3-D (6/10 release) - adventure movie (probably ala Spy Kids, given
it's the same director) that follows the imaginary adventures concocted by an
outcast boy.
·
Batman
Begins (6/17 release) - a complete
reset to the Batman film franchise; this version, starring Christian Bale,
follows Bruce Wayne as he travels the world learning the skills he'll need in
his crusade against crime. It's heavily
influenced by the Frank Miller graphic novel, Batman: Year One, which
chronicled how Batman came to be and set the darker tone now used in the Batman
comics. Now, if I have to give you more
reason to see this, I will never speak to you again! On second thought, you'll probably want that, so instead, I'll speak
to you alot!!!!
·
Cars (6/17 release) - originally scheduled for
release in November, Disney and Pixar have both agreed to move the date up to
June, apparently in the belief that it's so good that it'll be hugely
successful, like Finding Nemo.
Very little is know about the story, other than it's about talking cars
and it takes place along Route 66. What
IS confirmed is that this is the last Disney/Pixar collaboration, not The
Incredibles as I'd originally reported.
·
Fun with
Dick and Jane (6/24 release)
- a Jim Carrey and Cameron Diaz remake of a 1976 film about a rich couple who
loose their money and turn to a life of crime.
·
The Dukes
of Hazzard (6/29 release) -
film version of the popular TV show.
Jessica Simpson plays Daysi Dukes, in her trademark short shorts. And, yes, the General Lee will be in it.
·
The War of
the Worlds (6/29 release) -
umpteenth film version of the classic H.G. Wells 19th century novel. This one stars Tom Cruise and is directed by
Steven Spielberg.
July 2005
·
Chicken Little (7/1release) - CG animated feature in which
the overreacting little chicken lands in trouble, only to discover that his
exaggerated claims were all true, the sky IS falling!
·
The
Fantastic Four (7/1
release) - film based on the popular Marvel comics series. Reed Richards, Sue Storm, Ben Grimm and
Johnny Storm attempt to be the first humans to travel interstellar space, only
to be transformed by cosmic rays into the greatest team of super-adventurers in
the world. Rumored comedic elements
have apparently been toned down, though there's likely to be some funny
moments. Considering the success Marvel
has had in turning their comics into movies, this ought to be good. Jessica Alba, as Sue Storm, has a costume
with a plunging neckline. Hmmm...
·
Bewitched (7/8 release) - film version of the old ABC
sitcom about a witch who marries a mortal, who happens to be a dork.
·
Charlie and
the Chocolate Factory (7/15
release) - new film adaptation of the Roal Dahl children's classic. Stars Johnny Depp. For those who don't know, the last film version of this was
called Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, with Gene Wilder playing
Willie Wonka. In this film, Johnny Depp
replaces Mr. Wilder.
·
The Island (7/22 release) - a "harvested
being" attempts to escape the utopian facility where he is kept. Stars Ewan McGregor. Sounds a lot like Logan's Run, which
might be an attempt to steal some of that upcoming remake movie's thunder.
·
Elizabethtown (7/29 release) - an all-star cast headlines
this ensemble comedy set against the backdrop of a memorial service. Funerals?!
Aren't they just hilarious!
·
Stealth (7/29 release) - in the future, an AI-run
US Navy experimental stealth fighter is brought on-board a carrier in the
Pacific to learn aerial combat from humans.
It soon becomes self-aware and the humans must stop it, before it can
cause any damage. Think The
Terminator meets Top Gun.
Also, the stills from this movie have been circling the web as supposed
images of the Navy's newest fighter.
August 2005
·
3001 (8/5 release) - an average American takes
part in an experiment in which he's cryogenically frozen and revived
10-centuries later, only to discover that society is so dumb, that he's the
smartest man alive. I'm not sure if
this is a serious comment on society or a comedy...
·
Doom (8/5 release) - film version of the popular
id first-person shooter, based on the plotline to Doom 3. Top-secret experiments go wrong on a Mars
installation, unleashing demonic forces and a team of Marines must go in and
stop the horror. Stars The Rock. Can a "Halo" movie be far behind?
·
Deuce
Bigalow: European Gigolo
(8/12 release) - sequel to the comedy (?) Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo and
our fourth entry into the "Why On Earth Did They Ever Want to Make
This?" category.
·
Everything
is Illuminated (8/12
release) - next film for former Frodo, Elijah Wood, and concerns a young
Jewish-American man who journeys to the Ukraine to find the woman who saved his
grandfather from the Nazis and along the way uncovers facts about Ukrainian
complicity in Nazi atrocities.
·
Into the
Blue (8/19 release) - a
silly reason to have Jessica Alba in two-piece bikinis. Anyways, a group of scuba divers discover a
wrecked plane off the coast of Florida full of cocaine and then must deal with
the evil drug lords looking for their stash.
Why the divers don't immediately report the find is beyond me. It also seems as though the divers are
planning on keeping said find, so I guess they're not all good, either.
Summer 2005
·
Aeon Flux - based on the MTV animated series. A 1,000 years in the future, disease has
wiped out most of mankind but for one city.
Aeon is the top operative in an underground rebellion, but in the middle
of a mission, she starts to wonder if she's on the right side.
·
Dark Water - starring Jennifer Connelly in the tale of
a mother and daughter trying to escape an ugly custody battle in an old, dilapidated
(surprise!) apartment building until they encounter the ghost of a girl who
used to live there.
·
Ultraviolet - in a not-too-distant future, a
vampire-like "disease" has genetically enhanced some humans, given
them greater speed, strength, etc. This
precipitates a near-civil war between the enhanced humans and the normal ones.
September 2005
·
A Scanner
Darkly (9/16 release) -
based on a Philip K. Dick novel (Hollywood's favorite sci-fi writer) and
starring Keanu Reeves as undercover drug cop Fred hunting drug dealer Bob. In this not-too-distant future, the war on
drugs is lost and Fred is hooked on Substance D, a popular drug that causes its
users to develop split personalities.
·
Zorro
Unmasked (9/23 release) -
sequel to the swashbuckling film The Mask of Zorro, this movie reunites
Antonio Banderas and Catherine Zeta-Jones in the further adventures of the
heroic Zorro.
November 2005
·
Harry
Potter and the Goblet of Fire
(11/18 release) - do you really need a reason?